They just keep making things worse

 [Content warning: suicide]

Ward round was a disaster. I can't remember that much of what was said, and I walked out and left all my notes there and they wouldn't let me back in. Basically the CQC have passed the concerns I sent them about the hospital to the hospital, despite my lack of consent to do that. They didn't include my name but I was identifiable because I'm the only gluten free patient here. That's really protecting privacy and dealing with issues (/sarcasm). How stupid was I to think the CQC would a) do something about the issues, and b) not identify me? So now the doctor said they can't discharge me home without a care package in place because the hospital will be liable if I kill myself.

I don't have a care package because of the issues with my care including the failures to adapt, and my so-called care team have still done nothing since the last ward round. They had the nerve to say they need my consent to look for respite care. They're meant to have been looking for nearly a year! I was sectioned outside the ICB's office for WAITING FOR RESPITE CARE.

The alternative is that they can move me to a bed in my area, when all the hospitals in my area have covid, and the only available bed is in a dormitory (which was the move I've already had stopped last week), because that will then absolve this hospital of responsibility.

So raising issues with the CQC means I can't be discharged directly from here. How is that not penalising me for highlighting things that are risks or are making me more likely to die here? They know that hospital is torture and makes me worse, they knew that when they sectioned me.

Now I have to have an escort to go out in the grounds, because I got upset and angry during ward round and I said I need to go home -- so that's another punishment for being autistic and burnt out. I'm even worrying that pointing out a screw on the path to the staff member and saying that someone could hurt themselves with it will be twisted somehow to make out that I put it there.

I've gone on hunger strike til I get home, knowing I'm shit at hunger strikes because I can't function without food, so I'll just be in bed and trying to medicate as much as I can. I'd said I wasn't going to do things on impulse like that without thinking/planning first, but I've said it now. And my timing is bad because they're having a curry night tonight and I like curry.

I think they'll just ship me out of here now because I'm a problem. I can't say I blame them, I'm not their problem, it's my "care team" that's the issue. So much for having more people in my corner trying to help me. I haven't heard from the hospital social worker yet.

I saw the IMHA today and my solicitor. They're still saying my tribunal application hasn't been put in yet. If there's an issue with it, why haven't they brought it back to me? The only issue I can think of is I couldn't choose whether to have the appeal on video or in person, I couldn't say which I preferred because both have difficulties. That and not having specified a solicitor (but I said I'd be appointing one). So my appeal's been delayed too. I gave them the paperwork last Friday I think. The IMHA was going to go through my social care assessment with me, but my social worker hasn't sent my last one to me or to the hospital. I'm not sure how it'd help with him going through it with me, I just need the old document to start from to do a new care assessment, and the questions adapting if they're different.

People don't seem to understand that I need to do things in writing, in my own time. It's pointless and unnecessarily stressful trying to do things by speaking and in real time. Give me clear, written questions and I'll try to answer them. But I can't answer questions that I don't know the answer to. My brain is mush, I don't know what will help/how to figure it out. I just need everything to go away and instead I'm having more to do piled on me. I can't see how to do it.

It's Friday tomorrow, then the weekend. It's the worst time in hospital because nothing happens, everyone who could actually do anything goes home -- not that they've done anything so far.

I'm exhausted. Hopefully my bed here won't cripple me. I give up.

 

[Moved from another blog. The date/time are from the original post.]  

Just another day on the psych ward

 [Content warning: suicide]

I feel so pathetic for getting so upset so easily. Having to ask for so many things is difficult enough, then another patient said that she was at the office door before me, twice, and I couldn't cope with it. I struggle to be heard without someone else talking at the same time, and I was upset that she effectively said I was pushing in/getting preferential treatment because they answered the door to me (they don't always). It's hard to go to the office and knock on the door and speak, unless it's something simple like "can you charge my phone please?". But the staff probably wouldn't recognise that because they've heard me shouting when things have been wrong and I've got angry and upset.

I'm exhausted. I've been here for eight days, after a night on another ward, a night in PCDU (Psychiatric Clinical Decisions Unit) and two nights in the 136 suite, and nothing's happening as far as I'm aware. I'm autistic, they knew hospital would be torture when they sectioned me, the environment has made me worse and nobody seems bothered. They think this is a safe place when I think I'm more likely to kill myself here because of all the stress and distress and not being able to take anymore. I don't even want the respite care anymore, I just want to go home. I can't cope anywhere, but at least home is comfortable. I should focus on trying to get help with the disability discrimination complaints and getting my section 117 aftercare sorted. Mental health services are never going to help because they don't understand and can't or won't adapt. They've broken me again. I don't know how they can say they can meet my needs when I've been sectioned three more times now since my section 3.

The doctor here seemed to understand autism, but the ward staff don't appear to. And I expect to get moved to the ward where my mum was now that she's been discharged, which will be worse than here. The only plus side to being moved there (aside from being close to home) is that in that hospital's previous incarnation, I was only there for two weeks when they said I was autistic so didn't have a mental disorder that justified keeping me there. I can't think of being here, there or any other hospital for another week though, never mind longer.

 

[Moved from another blog. The date/time are from the original post.]