Just another day on the psych ward

 [Content warning: suicide]

I feel so pathetic for getting so upset so easily. Having to ask for so many things is difficult enough, then another patient said that she was at the office door before me, twice, and I couldn't cope with it. I struggle to be heard without someone else talking at the same time, and I was upset that she effectively said I was pushing in/getting preferential treatment because they answered the door to me (they don't always). It's hard to go to the office and knock on the door and speak, unless it's something simple like "can you charge my phone please?". But the staff probably wouldn't recognise that because they've heard me shouting when things have been wrong and I've got angry and upset.

I'm exhausted. I've been here for eight days, after a night on another ward, a night in PCDU (Psychiatric Clinical Decisions Unit) and two nights in the 136 suite, and nothing's happening as far as I'm aware. I'm autistic, they knew hospital would be torture when they sectioned me, the environment has made me worse and nobody seems bothered. They think this is a safe place when I think I'm more likely to kill myself here because of all the stress and distress and not being able to take anymore. I don't even want the respite care anymore, I just want to go home. I can't cope anywhere, but at least home is comfortable. I should focus on trying to get help with the disability discrimination complaints and getting my section 117 aftercare sorted. Mental health services are never going to help because they don't understand and can't or won't adapt. They've broken me again. I don't know how they can say they can meet my needs when I've been sectioned three more times now since my section 3.

The doctor here seemed to understand autism, but the ward staff don't appear to. And I expect to get moved to the ward where my mum was now that she's been discharged, which will be worse than here. The only plus side to being moved there (aside from being close to home) is that in that hospital's previous incarnation, I was only there for two weeks when they said I was autistic so didn't have a mental disorder that justified keeping me there. I can't think of being here, there or any other hospital for another week though, never mind longer.

 

[Moved from another blog. The date/time are from the original post.]