Update

[Content warning: suicide]

So I moved my blog here yesterday, and doing that meant I read it, and that triggered a lot of thoughts/memories and the anger that goes with it, especially since nothing has really changed. I still don't have appropriate care -- the only care I have is a cleaner for two hours a week (which my current social worker didn't even know I had, never mind that they were paying for it). I'm still being failed by the services that are meant to be helping, because they still won't adapt properly and still won't get the right people to help (it shouldn't feel like asking for the world to ask to see people who understand autism, but apparently it is). They barely communicate with me at all now -- despite deciding that they'll only read and reply to my emails on a Wednesday, they still don't reply. It's made Wednesdays fucking awful because either they'll email with whatever they want to say or they won't email at all. They don't reply to what I've actually written, so either way I get mad with them.

The main things that have changed are that I stopped feeling actively suicidal, and I tried again to get sent to prison. I'm still passively suicidal, thinking everyone would be better off without me and it'd be a lot easier if I just died, but I'm not actively trying to kill myself now. And I obviously failed to get sent to prison, but I got another criminal record and I'm on probation, which I can't do so I'll be back in court at some point. Probation wouldn't listen that I couldn't do it and that it's causing unbearable stress. I asked them to take it back to court (as it says you can do in the community order) but they wouldn't. They told me to appeal, but nobody told me that there's a three week time limit to appeal until I got a letter from my solicitor three weeks after I'd been in court, so it was too late. I'd already emailed them to say that probation had told me that I needed to appeal, but I got no response. So it's more problems with more services/companies because they don't understand autism (probation has no autism training or knowledge) or just don't communicate/reply (the solicitors were great in person but terrible at communicating by email and I can't speak on the phone).

So a comment I made in the last blog about trying to get things written while I could was because of trying to get sent to prison and not having internet access there. But I still haven't written, because it's difficult, because I'm already struggling without purposefully going over things that have happened to write about them. I still want to do it, I need to do it, but I don't know how to do it without it having a huge negative impact on me, because I just get upset and angry. It's traumatic to think about all the times I've been failed by people who were meant to help, and it's still happening, and there's no help to deal with things as they happen or afterwards. Even advocacy "couldn't identify what they could help me with", and said it "wasn't their job" to help me go through emails to find the information for complaints to make sure they were accurate and so that I didn't have to deal with doing that on my own. I tried to find a solicitor to help but just went round in circles with them passing me on to someone else until I was passed back to someone who'd already told me they couldn't help.

It's a nightmare that I can't see a way out of other than prison or death -- or someone actually fucking helping, but that seems unlikely given the past few years. I don't know if prison will help but I need a break from the overwhelm of life, and some distance from my house/environment so I'm not surrounded by everything and can hopefully think. My brain doesn't work properly anymore.

Oh and the cat charity has agreed to take Emily back, we're just waiting for a space. They were going to take her last month but they had an emergency and cancelled. I'm gutted at parting with her but she needs someone who can look after her properly. She's got more medical issues and I physically can't get medication into her, so she's suffering because she's with me.