I'm confusing myself...

 ...about what to write here and what to write in my other blog.

[Content warning: suicide]

I wanted this to be to share my experiences of being failed, but I also didn't/don't want to fill my other blog with my ramblings about being suicidal. As far as I'm concerned, being suicidal is entirely connected to the failures in my care: lack of appropriate help/support; being made worse by failures to adapt properly, atrocious communication, professionals with little to no training or understanding of autism (it's not a mental health problem so why am I told to see mental health services??), completely inappropriate hospital admissions in torturous psych wards. Because I shouldn't have deteriorated to this with the right help/support at the right time. So anything about being suicidal probably belongs here. Unless it's old/unconnected to failures in my care, because I have been suicidal before. Why do I think this is different and not just me being suicidal? Because of the reactions that services trigger. They actively make things worse, and I really don't understand why they do that when they're meant to help and could help at times but just... haven't. They cause more stress rather than helping to reduce stress. And they expect things from me that I just can't do/deal with. 

It's nearly three years that I've been entitled to s117 aftercare after a section 3, and for almost half of that I didn't even know there was an assessment I was meant to have had but I apparently told someone I "wasn't ready to engage" (I knew nothing about it), and the other half has been trying to get them to adapt the questions so I can do the assessment. Three years. They've had over five years since I asked for help this time. All that time they could have been doing stuff to help (for some of it they did try), but they've mostly wasted it on making me worse.

I'm exhausted and I don't want to keep struggling all the time just to do the basics. I can't do everything, but I can't not do things either, so I keep hurting myself to do things (because of my physical disabilities), or beating myself up mentally when I haven't done things. There's so much to do. I can't see how I can ever do it. I don't know what I want anymore, I'm completely overwhelmed and drowning and I just need it to stop. I can't see any answers that don't bring more (or different) problems. I can't just walk away and leave my cat, I wouldn't be able to live with myself anyway, and I wouldn't know where to go either. It's not where I am that's the problem (though it has problems, but so would anywhere else). It's me not being able to function and needing help but not getting the right help and not knowing how to cope with help either. I'm disintegrating. And the people who are meant to help are nowhere. Their idea of help is sending the police round to do a welfare check that just checks whether I'm alive, who tell me there's help when I wouldn't be like this if there was help, and blame me for refusing help when I tell them what they're suggesting isn't help. Autism isn't a mental health problem. Autistic burnout isn't a mental health problem. I need people who actually understand, not more gaslighting.

I'm dependent on taking tablets to help me sleep every night now. I can't face going over stuff in my head and not being able to sleep and getting more stressed and distressed. (Yes I know writing this at night maybe isn't helpful, but I don't seem to get round to it during the day.) I couldn't get up to my cat last night the third time she meowed during the night because I was too tired, possibly due to the tablets. They're not sleeping tablets, it's diazepam and cocodamol. Together they seem to make me drowsy enough to get to sleep easily. I was taking them occasionally to help but now it's every night, and that bothers me. I'd like to just be able to sleep and not worry about what shit's going to be going through my head tonight to keep me awake and rigid with tension.

I'm getting tired now because of the tablets.

 

[Moved from another blog. The date/time are from the original post.]