[Content warning: suicide, trauma, self harm]
[I get it that they won't like my attitude. I can't say I'm proud of it myself. I thought I'd said things a bit differently, but I know I was (and still am) highly distressed. I don't know why they don't understand that, or that I wouldn't be so distressed if I was getting care and/or getting replies/any hint that they're actually receiving and reading my emails and that they give a fuck.]
26 October 2023, 23:07
To: s75 social care, MHLDA team
CC: transforming care
Subject: Re: Hello
I'm still waiting for my last care assessment report, a month later, despite having been SECTIONED and still being told nothing about what's happening with my care, when I was asked to stay voluntarily in hospital while you arranged my care at home. a) I can't stay where it's TORTURE and b) you haven't arranged my care in nearly three years, you're not going to sort it in a hospital stay. You didn't do anything in the nearly three weeks I was in hospital/told I was sectioned. You were meant to be looking for respite care and you did nothing. You DO NOT NEED MY CONSENT TO LOOK FOR RESPITE CARE, YOU ALREADY HAD IT, YOU WERE MEANT TO BE LOOKING FOR IT.
I'll be back at the ICB in [redacted] to get answers if you keep ignoring me. I should've taken a tent with me.
I'm waiting for:
- my last social care assessment with my edits added
- adapted social care assessment questions
- a printed copy of the last CTR
- someone who can adapt the s117 assessment and not put it in an electronic form
- a printed copy of the PACT assessment letter
- a copy of the last mental health liaison report
- answers about what's happening with my CTR/CTR review, virtual wallet, independent review of my care, respite care that's suitable for when I want to go, how to appeal the ICB's decision to deny out of area autism help, carers at home, trauma therapy (I have more trauma now thanks to being sectioned in inappropriate hospitals again), someone who understands autism to help me figure out and understand my needs, a central point of contact that WAS a CTR action, new psychiatrist and care coordinator and social worker. I've probably missed things because there's so much I've had no response to.
I contacted [care company 1] and [care company 2] . [Care company 1] have no availability and [care company 2] haven't replied (I hope all their staff don't talk about their clients behind their back like the two at [psych ward] did). I haven't heard back from the place that looks for respite care since they asked for my social worker's contact details.
[No reply]
---
27 October 2023, 00:39
To: MHLDA team, s75 social care, transforming care, Lincs ICB feedback
(No subject)
I don't know how I'm supposed to live with all of this in my head, and you won't help me.
I don't have medication to make myself sleep every night, so I'm tormented by what you have and haven't done, and now there's more of it.
I can't live like this. I don't want to. You section me for asking for help, expect me to stay where it's torture to wait for you to organise care that you haven't for years, then just leave me to struggle without help until I die.
I will never understand your idea of help. It's not help. That's why so many people are dying.
[No reply]
---
27 October 2023, 06:02
To: MHLDA team, s75 social care, transforming care, Lincs ICB feedback
(No subject)
I either can't sleep or I'm dreaming about being in psych hospitals where I'm worse than I was in reality. And I don't know it's not real until I wake up, so I've just been trying to kill myself and being injected in a dream. And then Emily's meowing at me. I'm getting less sleep than I was in hospital and being tortured by/in my dreams. You've made things even worse.
[No reply]
---
31 October 2023, 00:50
To: MHLDA team, s75 social care
(No subject)
A week after discharge and still you've done nothing. Why am I still surprised by your failures in my care?
You can't/won't even do basic things like send me a copy of my last care assessment that I was never sent and that I've asked for repeatedly in the last five(?) weeks. You were meant to send it to the [redacted] hospital too. You just don't care.
I'll be on your doorstep again to wait for the care that you're meant to be arranging and can't be bothered to.
I'd have been tortured in hospital for another week while you still did nothing. My care needs moving away from you so I can actually get care before I die.
[No reply]
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1 November 2023, 04:51
To: MHLDA team
Subject: Re: CTR
Do I start marking the days you don't reply in [redacted self harm]? I don't know what to do when you just ignore me. Not a thing from anyone since my discharge, when you're meant to be arranging care. You don't care about me, you don't care if I live or die, you've made that very clear. How can you just not reply?? It's blatant discrimination!
WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH MY CARE? WHO IS DOING WHAT AND WHEN WILL I HEAR ANYTHING???
You disgust me. I've been out of hospital for over a week and still nothing. How is this care?? Weeks and still no previous care assessment, no adapted questions for my care assessment, still nobody to do the s117 assessment. Where is everyone?? What are you doing? When will you tell me anything???
[No reply]
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1 November 2023, 18:13
To: MHLDA team, transforming care
(No subject)
I can't take much more. I can't fight for nonexistent help. Where's any help on discharge? You've done nothing. You can't even be bothered to reply to my emails. PACT say they're not getting involved in anything outside of structured clinical management, so where's the help for PTSD caused by you torturing me again? Where's the trauma therapy, for trauma caused by you? You don't care, you just want me to die quietly. It's not happening, it'll be on your doorstep and as loud as I can make it.
I'm tired of struggling and nobody caring.
[No reply]
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3 November 2023, 08:43
To: s75 social care, MHLDA team
CC: transforming care
Subject: Re: Hello
No reply to anything. You knew what would happen. I'm coming to you to get answers. You're a disgrace. all of you. I've just been in hospital because of you rfailures [sic] in my care, tortured again because of you, and you're still failing to do anything. You won't even reply.
You can ignore me in person. I'm contacting the media. This is discrimination and dangerous ignorance.
[No reply]
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3 November 2023, 09:49
To: MHLDA team, s75 social care
CC: transforming care
Subject: Respite care
Have you found respite care for me to go to when I need it? Because I'm likely to need it now. I can't take anymore and you're doing nothing. You can't or won't reply to emails, haven't answered a single question or sent any of the documents I need.
I'm coming to get them. I hope someone's there. Do I go to [LPFT location] or [ICB offices]? Social care is at [LPFT location] is it? Transforming care too? So much for help, haven't heard a thing. Not one person can be bothered to contact me, reply or do anything to help with my care.
I can't remember what transforming care said, nobody wrote anything down from ward rounds, knowing that I can't remember things and it's even worse when it's highly stressful. And not one person at the last ward round said what my needs were at ward round. Cameras on for you, off for me, so it was a bunch of blank screens and people talking to me outside the room and I couldn't speak or walk into the room because they didnt seem to know I'd struggle to speak despite having written it down beforehand. Why does nothing get noted? I had to start again with everything, just for a weekend in a different hospital.
[No reply]
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3 November 2023, 10:07
To: MHLDA team
(No subject)
I need a CTR. I can't take this. I need that independent review of my care too. Have you started yet?
[Reply on 6 November about being in touch to arrange a CTR.]
---
9 November 2023, 13:30
To: MHLDA team
CC: s75 social care, transforming care
Subject: Re:
That's it?
I've heard nothing about my care since I discharged myself -- I'd heard nothing about my care before then, that's why I was sectioned: going to wait for respite care, that still nobody has done anything about. There's literally a company that will find respite care for me, but nobody has replied to them and they need a reply from you before they can help.
I've received none of the documents I've asked for, despite going to [LPFT location] last Friday with a list of documents and questions I'm still waiting for/for answers about. The list was made mostly from emails I've already sent that nobody has bothered to reply to.
You're either incredibly incompetent or intentionally denying access to care and adaptations.
Who leaves somebody with no care, yet again, after torturing them in hospital under section again? Two and a half weeks and nothing. PACT will not get involved in my care. I don't remember what transforming care said they could do, it was at ward round, nothing was written down for me.
I'm about to give up again. If none of you care whether I live or die, why should I care?
You're not even paying my cleaner again. So much for managed direct payments. They can't even manage to pay one invoice a week.
[No reply]
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14 November 2023, 16:53
To: s75 social care, MHLDA team
CC: transforming care
Subject: Re: Hello
Still no response from anyone and I've received none of the things I requested in this email [26 October 2023} and repeated in the handwritten notes I wrote and took to [LPFT location] on Friday 3 November (which included a formal letter to request a new psychiatrist dated 3 November, since nobody has responded to multiple requests by email to change my psychiatrist).
You can tell that to the CTR panel.
I hope I won't have to wait til after my CTR to get the documents and answers I need?
[No reply. I'm still waiting for all but one of the documents. The CTR was a disaster that I'll write about separately.]
---
14 November 2023, 19:38
To: MHLDA team, s75 social care
Subject: Respite care
Have you found respite care yet?
Have you replied to the company that can find respite care for you that need to speak to you before they can look for anything?
It's beyond a joke now. I need to know where I can go for respite care. And if you need more information, you need to send me the documents I need and you and respite places need to adapt.
Your failures in my care are still going to kill me at this rate. I can't deal with all the unnecessary CTR emails already, and you ignored things from last time so you're still making the same wrong assumptions.
Where's the support coming from to prepare for the CTR? Respite care is one thing you can organise to help. Where am I going and when? Or are you still all discriminating?
[No reply]
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20 November 2023, 19:19
To: s75 social care, MHLDA team
CC: transforming care
Subject: Re: Hello
Please urgent answer the questions/send me the documents I requested in the email below sent nearly a month ago, which were also in the handwritten notes I brought to [LPFT location] on 3 November trying to get answers/the documents I need.
It's way beyond a joke. It's discrimination. None of you have bothered to contact me since I was in hospital. My care and my life mean nothing to you.
[No reply]
---
20 November 2023, 22:41
To: transforming care, MHLDA team, s75 social care
(No subject)
Where has everyone been for the last four weeks?? How do you leave someone who's just come out of hospital, after I've been made worse in hospital, with no care? Nothing? Where are you? Where's the social care? Where's the respite care? Where are transforming care? Not one of you has bothered to contact me or reply about my care apart from my CTR, which I only need because I STILL HAVE NO APPROPRIATE CARE.
I was asked to stay in hospital while my care was sorted. Four weeks later, what are you doing? Where is my care? What have you been doing for the last four weeks?? I haven't heard a thing about what anyone is doing in relation to my care. How can you just exclude me, or even worse, have done nothing in that time??
I can't live like this. I won't live much longer. I don't want to. I just have to get through Christmas somehow. Which gives you an excuse to carry on doing nothing because I shouldn't die in the next month. I don't want to ruin Christmas for everyone for the rest of their lives.
How can you be care professionals? You don't care. You've just left me with no help. After not being at the last ward round because none of you said that you didn't need your cameras off, and none of you appear to have told the doctor that I wouldn't be able to speak and would be anxious. I had, I'd written it and given it to staff, but he didn't know, and none of you said anything while I couldn't speak and was too anxious to walk into the room with a wall of blank screens and not knowing where the camera was. It was all new and nobody who actually knew me, who should know my needs in Teams meetings by now, nobody said a word. You just left. After one of you having lied to the doctor about me refusing respite care that was available and met my needs. I still haven't looked back at the emails but I know that I did not refuse respite care that was available and met my needs. I know that when I said it was too hot to leave Emily [my cat] in the house and that I looked disgusting because of a spot, I said I couldn't go to respite care YET. It didn't stay hot, I didn't stay looking disgusting, and I'm not aware of ANY respite care that was both available and met my needs. And if it was the autism specialist place [redacted] as the doctor said, THEY TURNED ME DOWN. I wouldn't have gone to the ICB to wait for respite care if there had been respite care that was available and met my needs! You just twist everything and twist the knife when you do.
I don't know why I'm bothering. You don't reply, you probably don't read my emails, you don't care. Last ditch attempt to get some kind of support. PACT isn't it.
[No reply. I've made so many "last" attempts to get help I can understand why they don't believe me; I've become a liar because I'm still alive and still asking for help from people who don't even bother to reply.]
[Moved from another blog. The date/time are from the original post.]
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